Becoming Caleb

"With the wind at our backs, and in the strength of the Lord,

We will rise on the wings of the dawn. 

We're gonna take back all the enemy has stolen."

Emotional abuse. 

One definition of such is this:

"Any act including confinement, isolation, verbal assault, humiliation, intimidation, infantilization, or any other treatment which many diminish the sense of identity, dignity, and self worth."

For the last year I've looked up that definition more times than I could count. I didn't even need to look it up now to recite it, I had it memorized so that I could speak it out loud every time I questioned whether or not that is what really happened to me. 

One year ago today, exactly at this moment, I was suspended high above the Pacific ocean flying from Seoul, South Korea to Vancouver, BC where I would make a connecting flight to Calgary. 

The tidal waves of sorrow seemed to keep coming the farther I flew from my home in Phuket, Thailand. The end of an incredibly difficult season, and the beginning of one that would turn out even more difficult.  

The end of the dreams I had thought were coming true.

The end of myself as I knew it.

The fact that it has been a year since I left my home in Thailand seems absolutely ludicrous. 

How on earth does life move so incredibly fast? 

When I think back on all I've walked through this year, 

there are so many details lost in the fog of this season. 

I was so numb to everything around me. 

I don't even remember getting off the plane in Calgary.

What I do remember though, 

are moments of the deepest sorrow my heart has known, 

and moments where I felt a fear unlike anything I've ever experienced. 

And I remember joy. 

Joy finding it's way through the cracks like a stubborn, sunny dandelion poking it's way through the cement of my heartbreak. 

A joy that refused to let me go even when I was ready to give up on Jesus. 

I remember sitting on a porch in BC watching the sun disappear behind strong mountains with tears in my eyes. 

I remember trying to tell my mother why I needed time and space away from Calgary, and instead, finding myself erupting into uncontrollable sobs and her holding me, crying with me.

I remember hands running through carpet as I swore into the 4am darkness, so angry at God for not protecting me. 

I remember raindrops on my windshield, countless sleepless hours, and I remember hysterical laughter with my best friend while we were supposed to be listening to a sermon at church. 

And in-between all of those moments are the grey areas. 

The moments where I was face down in my own sadness, to exhausted to look up. 

I stayed comatose. 

Numb, not feeling joy or pain.

Not letting myself remember, not letting myself even think of Thailand for fear of the crashing waves of grief. 

Face down on the ground, I only thought about breathing in and out. 

Keeping myself alive. 

Surviving. 

When I finally decided to look up, 8 months had passed and I hadn't moved from the place I fell the moment I touched down in Calgary. 

I realized I would have to get up and move myself if I were ever going to move on from that place of brokenness. 

The thing is, 

abuse changes everything. 

It changes how you think about yourself and everyone around you. 

It changes your perspective on situations and it changes how you react to those situations. 

It changes you. 

And that's where I want to land with this blog. 

The change that I've undergone and who I am going forward. 

I was so mad at God for so long.

But what I didn't realize as I stewed in my anger was that God was orchestrating something bigger than I ever imagined for myself. 

In the bible, Joshua is known as one of the heroes of the Old Testament. 

As the assistant of Moses, he would go with him to be with the Lord in the tent of meeting. 

The bible says that after Moses finished speaking with God, Joshua would remain in the Presence of the Lord. 

From his youth he was primed to take over the leadership of the Israelites. 

When the Israelites came to the borders of the Promised Land, it really was a no-brainer that Moses included Joshua in the 12 he sent to spy out the land and the people who lived there. 

However, quite often we skip over Joshua's right hand man, Caleb.

There are few verses about him in the bible, but what is said greatly defines his character. 

25 After exploring the land for forty days, the men returned 26 to Moses, Aaron, and the whole community of Israel at Kadesh in the wilderness of Paran. They reported to the whole community what they had seen and showed them the fruit they had taken from the land. 27 This was their report to Moses: “We entered the land you sent us to explore, and it is indeed a bountiful country—a land flowing with milk and honey. Here is the kind of fruit it produces. 28 But the people living there are powerful, and their towns are large and fortified. We even saw giants there, the descendants of Anak! 29 The Amalekites live in the Negev, and the Hittites, Jebusites, and Amorites live in the hill country. The Canaanites live along the coast of the Mediterranean Sea and along the Jordan Valley.” 30 But Caleb tried to quiet the people as they stood before Moses. “Let’s go at once to take the land,” he said. “We can certainly conquer it!”

Numbers 13:25-30

20 Then the Lord said, “I will pardon them as you have requested. 21 But as surely as I live, and as surely as the earth is filled with the Lord’s glory, 22 not one of these people will ever enter that land. They have all seen my glorious presence and the miraculous signs I performed both in Egypt and in the wilderness, but again and again they have tested me by refusing to listen to my voice. 23 They will never even see the land I swore to give their ancestors. None of those who have treated me with contempt will ever see it. 24 But my servant Caleb has a different attitude than the others have. He has remained loyal to me, so I will bring him into the land he explored. His descendants will possess their full share of that land. 25 Now turn around, and don’t go on toward the land where the Amalekites and Canaanites live. Tomorrow you must set out for the wilderness in the direction of the Red Sea.”

Numbers 14:20-25

Caleb was a man of truth. 

He was a man who stood up for what he believed in, and he was a man who trusted God. 

He trusted God enough to go against what everyone else was saying and risk his life for the promise laid before him. 

He was a bold man. 

A man who had seen God show up and knew without a doubt, He would do it again. 

Caleb was a man who believed God is who He says He is. 

My friend Ashley, who did the World Race with me and also lived with me at SHE, returned to Thailand back in September. She spent some time traveling around before she started language learning in Bangkok. 

During her travels, she went to Pattaya to visit the Tamar Centre. 

The leaders and some of the staff were praying for her and told her that they saw her as Joshua. 

Someone fierce enough to lead people into the promise laid before them, and someone with faith enough to march around Jericho as many times as needed. 

But she couldn't do it alone. 

She needed to be praying for someone to come alongside her and be her Caleb. 

She told me this during a Skype call about a month ago, after I told her how much I felt called to Thailand 

and that I didn't know why, but I felt an extremely large part of that calling was to just come and be by her side and support her. 

Jesus is so faithful. 

So. 

I am going back to Thailand. 

I will be leaving in January with the intent to be there until Jesus says otherwise.

I had a friend who told me when I first got back that at the end of all this, 

on the other side of this season, 

my faith would be deeper, my joy would be deeper, my intimacy with God would be deeper, 

and that I would be able go deeper with God than I ever had before. 

And I can say without a doubt that that is what God has been building in me this last year.

I always said I wanted to be someone who believed God no matter what the circumstances were,

 and I've been in situations where God had to be my cloud by day and my fire by night. 

Though I have been wandering through this wilderness for the past year, 

God was with me. 

He never left me, even when I doubted. 

And I see now the perseverance He was building. 

I had a choice to make when I got home.

I could decide to give up on Thailand and move on to something else, 

like school or pray into missions elsewhere. 

Or.

I could choose to pick myself up off the floor and with a new fire, and a new passion, press on toward what I know is my calling. 

Thailand is my home. 

And I've come to the realization that the best things are always worth fighting for. 

So that's what I'm going to do. 

I am going to fight for my dream of seeing Bangla road shut down permanently. 

I'm going to pursue my dream of seeing Thailand be the first nation completely set free. 

I'm going to fight for freedom until my last breath. 

And just like Caleb, 

I'm going to believe that God is who He says He is.