Out of Hiding.

"And oh, as you run, what hindered love will only become part of the story."

I used to be a story teller. I used to believe in telling my story. I used to think that that was my calling. I think somewhere deep down I really still believe those things. But I've been paralyzed by fear.

It's snowing tonight. The kind of snow that floats to the ground in big sticky clumps and melts on the pavement. It seems to dance as it falls, tricking even those whose hearts are set on abhorring winter into thinking it's beautiful. And here I am, trying to figure out how to push myself into the most uncomfortable territory. Writing for me used to be therapeutic. It used to heal wounds I didn't know I had until I sat down and wrote them out of my soul. But now, now writing is so full of fear.

Because I've been hiding. I've been intentionally hiding from intimacy, from community, from my whole life and everything that used to make my heart pound with joy or excitement. And for a time that's what I needed. For a time, I needed to hide my heart away so that no one could touch it, not even those closest to me. I needed to be in a space all my own where I could make my own decisions and my own plans, and have not a single person give me input or their opinion. Not because I don't care about those people or think they don't give sound advice, but because I couldn't be told what to do or how to be or how to heal. After prolonged verbal, emotional, and spiritual abuse, I couldn't have anyone speak into my life because I suddenly didn't know how to trust anyone around me. Survival mode. Fight or flight. And I was so very tired of fighting.

The thought of using this space as a place to process my season or to write my heart out in words seems absolutely terrifying. But I've been feeling a call to come out of hiding lately. Although it is paralyzing and full of fear, I know that this is just another layer, another part of finding who I am again.

I am still devastated by what happened in Thailand. I am still so heartsick that even the mention of Thailand from an unknowing person sends a sharp knife of grief through my heart. And most days I still fight to remember who my Father is, and who I am in His Kingdom. There are so many days that I feel swallowed by my humanity and just want to (and often do) swear at God for not keeping me safe, for not protecting me from those who set out to crush my heart. But sometimes, the clouds part and I laugh in spite of it all.

I am finding snippets of joy in the midst of the immense heartbreak. I am also finding the snippets of joy that I stumble upon are not always found where I think they ought to be, and that they are much deeper caverns than I could have imagined. Joy doesn't always look like happiness, or laughter. Joy sometimes looks like ugly crying on the floor of my shower until I hear the One voice that can drown out the rest, and just knowing that He loves me. That He knows what He's doing. That He's still in control and that maybe He doesn't need me to understand my whole situation right now. Sometimes joy looks like me worshipping and singing songs of His faithfulness when I don't believe that He truly is faithful. Sometimes joy looks like me struggling to be content with not knowing any of the answers, and choosing to believe that He sees my tears and hears my heartbreak.

Sometimes joy is found in scraping up the tiniest bit of courage and sitting down to write after months of being in self assigned solitary confinement.

I know I've been distant. I've been unavailable, and closed off. I've been on lockdown. And I am sorry if that has left you wondering if I care. I do. I am all too aware of my intense need for community and to figure out how to trust those in my life again. I am asking you, giving you permission to pursue me. Text me a thousand times until I reply. Call me, harass me, make me respond to your friendship. Because I so value you. I SO value your friendship. And I want to be there. Now is the time. I am going to try to push myself into being more vulnerable. And I will try my very best to come out of hiding and meet you in the daylight.