My Constant Reminders

It's happened three times this week. 

I've been walking down the road on my way home, or on my way out of the house, or just heading to the 7/11 down the street when I see it. Every single time it makes my stomach turn. I want to look away, but it's like witnessing a car crash, you can't help but watch even when it devastates you. 

All around our neighbourhood they sit, waiting on street corners for someone to take interest. There is a brothel right across the street from my house and so they are usually always close by. I always want to sit down beside them and just hear about who they are, but it's different here than it is in Phuket. In Phuket, you go to a certain area of town at night, you walk into a bar and have a conversation. In Phuket (at lease on Bangla Road), it's all tourist who are ogling them as they twirl on a pole on top of the bar. 

 Here, in this neighbourhood, it's local Thai men who are here for their business. The women are out sitting on the street corners at all hours of the day, instead of just at night. The conversations I try to have with them are often one sided. They are short and filled with shame, or anger, or simple disinterest. They see me walk by them every day, I smile and say hello most times, but they never actually talk to me because they could miss a customer and they certainly don't make enough money to have me as a distraction. 

So I just walk by, and I pray. 

But then, on certain occasions, I watch as a man pulls up on a moto and barters for her body. I watch as she steels herself, and hops on the back of the moto. I watch, completely helpless as they drive to the brothel right beside my building and go inside. And then I pray more. Because what else can I do? The first time I ever saw a transaction actually take place, I had to stop myself from running after them and telling her to just come home with me. To sit on my bed and cry on my shoulder. And now that I know more of the language, it's even harder to listen to the price negotiations that take place. Men telling these women, these beautiful worthy-of-love women that she is not worth the price she offers. 

Sometimes I think it's easy to get excited about the prospect of fighting human trafficking and brothel raids with images of Liam Neeson flying around my brain. It's really easy to look at it and think "yeah, that's what I'm gonna do. I'm just going to march onto Bangla Road and shut it down. I'm gonna rescue all these girls and it's going to be amazing". 

But the truth is, this thing is really, REALLY big. And I don't think it will ever be just a quick fix. There are no right answers. There are no easy ways out of the sex industry. 

So I pray. I will continue to lift up this country in prayer for all of the men and women involved in this. And in the moments I forget why I am here, or get too caught up in the struggles of daily life overseas, I just have to leave my house and there they are, my constant reminders. My reminders of why I gave up my life in Canada, why I gave up watching my precious niece grow up, why I gave up money and security and comfort. To tell them that they are worth it. And that to see even one woman set free is enough.

** I am still in need of another $150 in the next FOUR days so that I can renew my visa and stay in Thailand. If you would prayerfully consider giving, you would be allowing me to stay in Thailand and continue to learn the language and to eventually start a program that will be a long-term solution for these women to leave the sex industry and rebuild their lives.

You can give through the donate link to the right or through interac e-transfer at allisonpriz@gmail.com **

You Make Me Brave (Again)

I haven't written a blog for a while now, mainly because my thoughts have mostly been streams of consciousness without any real conclusions. I often find myself struggling to put together sentences that could even begin to describe what I actually feel my heart wants to say. I write, and then I delete. I have about 40 blogs on this website that I just never posted because they were either never finished, or they just felt too raw. But the thought that I haven't posted a blog in over a month has been badgering me for weeks, and I finally have the time to just sit and let my heart breathe for a moment.

This past month and a half has been such a whirlwind of ups and downs. 

I started and finished Module 4, most call it the hardest module at school, and I am currently in my last week of Module 5. To say that learning another language is challenging is the biggest understatement of the century. I think learning a new language is one of the hardest things I've ever done, and for some reason it's hard for me to admit that. While I actually really enjoy school, and feel like I have been blessed with such amazing teachers, I never expected it to be the emotional rollercoaster that it has turned out to be, and frankly, I've been feeling a bit exhausted with it all lately. I seemed to hit a wall as I finished Module 4, and I haven't quite been able to push past it yet. 

The funny thing about learning a new language is it forces you to be vulnerable in the strangest sense. In order for my speaking to get better, I have to actually speak to people in Thai. I have to be willing to make mistakes. I have to be willing to accidentally say a swear word and not realize it until the gracious people in my life tell me that what I said was very, VERY wrong. I have to be able to be okay with relying on other people. And for reasons that I am still uncovering, I am so deeply terrified of that. 

Since coming back to Thailand, I've been on a journey of rediscovering who I am, and who God is.

I wish I could say that every single day I am full to the brim with joy to be here, but I can't 

(that doesn't mean I don't absolutely love being here. 

It means that sometimes I have days that I don't necessarily love.. if that makes sense, ha).

I get homesick. Sometimes I wonder what the crap I'm doing here. 

I cry, I forget the things God promised, I cry some more. 

But then I take a deep breath, 

get up off of the floor, and remind myself that my feelings don't always speak the truth. 

These last two years have been the most challenging of my entire life, and I'm still working through some of it.

But I have peace. 

I have peace in knowing that God's timing is the perfect timing. 

I have peace in knowing that I am human, and sometimes humans feel things that don't reflect the truths their hearts know. 

I have peace knowing that God did this, all of this. 

He was the one who brought me here and He is the one who will sustain me. 

And I have peace that even in the midst of everything I don't understand, I can be confident that I will see His goodness.

So I am learning to put my fear to rest. 

And I'm finding that fear is something that doesn't go down without a fight. 

Some days I succeed and others I don't. 

But what I'm realizing is that even though being a missionary is proving to be harder than my 18 year old self initially dreamed it being, this is a sweet season of undoing. A season of being pressed up close to Jesus' side and breathing Him in like a healing balm. A season where I get to look Him right in the eyes and remember what it feels like to be brave again. 

"So, do you get paid for that?"

Many people can't make sense out of why someone would ever want move to another country and do "volunteer work". I don't think the numerical system reaches high enough to count how many times I've been asked "So you get paid to do that, right?" And of course my answer is always no. I don't get paid to do what makes my heart come alive. But as I like to look at it, it's part of the adventure. A really inconvenient part of the adventure... But truly, I think it opens the door for people who would love to be involved in missions, but have just had a baby, or can't get any time off from work, or a hundred other myriad of reasons. If you cannot go physically, you can be involved prayerfully or financially, which are equally, if not more important than me actually moving my life to Thailand. Because I couldn't be here without people fighting for me in prayer or without financial supporters.  And that is why I'm here, writing this blog.  

I am in desperate need of financial supporters.

More specifically, I am in need of people who feel led to come alongside me in regular monthly support so that I can focus solely on school and pouring into the community here in Bangkok. 

I got on a plane 4 months ago in faith that God would provide everything I needed to not be homeless or starving, and He has truly done that. I've recently come to the end of the money He initially provided and though I've not stopped believing that He will provide again, I've felt a nudge to let people in to where I am financially and so they know exactly what they are donating to. 

So, this is my average monthly budget:

Rent - $200

Language School - $280-$290 depending on text books

Food - Roughly $180

Transportation - $25

Internet - $13
Visas to stay in the country - Roughly $80 
Other (as in shampoo, toilet paper, and drinking water) $20

Which puts me at a total of $810 per month that I need coming in. 

As it stands right now I only have about $30 for food and water for the rest of the month, which is why I am need of people to donate, not only for school which is opening incredible doors for me to share the gospel, but also so that I can feed myself and have shampoo to wash my sweaty hair with.

If you feel led to donate, you can do so one of three ways.

1. You can click the donate button to the right -->

2. If you live in Canada or have a Canadian bank account, you can send an Interac e-tranfser to allisonpriz@gmail.com

3.  If you prefer to write cheques (or checks if you're American, haha) you can do so and send them to an address in Calgary, AB (please contact me for the mailing address)

Also, I am always, and will always be in need of people to support me prayerfully as well. If you feel led to commit to praying for me, please send me a message so that I can thank you personally!

Abiding

so take it all away

if it isn't meant for me,

I don't want the easy way

I just want you.

they can give me everything

but at the end of the day, 

the only words i'll say

is I just want you...

Sometimes I feel as though I'm stuck in a body that isn't mine. 

A constant clashing of spirit and flesh, a walking war zone. The spirit in me finds immense joy in my daily life, and my flesh screams at me to find something safe and comfortable and familiar. The spirit in me tells my heart to rest in Him. My flesh tells me to prepare to go back to Calgary because the number in my bank account only ever gets smaller. My spirit tells me I am home already. My flesh tells me I'm only kidding myself.  

The war is never ceasing. In every moment of every day, I find myself on a teeter-totter of belief and unbelief. Of trust and mistrust. Of pursuing the heart of God and running away from Him. In the end I always settle into no-mans-land and ask God to speak. 

I am in control. 

I see you.

I know you.  

I understand you.

I love you. 

I know what you need. 

I know what you need. 

I know what you need. 

Over and over I let Him say it. 

Over and over, over and over, until I believe it, even if only for a moment. 

He knows what I need. 

He knows what I need. 

He knows that I have rent to pay. 

He knows that I don't have the money to pay for my language school next month. 

He knows that I worry about how to pay for my next visa to stay in the country. 

He knows that I get lonely sometimes. 

He knows that while I'm afraid to be seen, I long to be known. 

He knows. 

He knows. 

He knows. 

So I settle in, and I rest a while, and I will wake to fight again tomorrow. 

But right now, the only thing He's asked me to do is abide.  

**I have an immediate need for people to partner with me in prayer and in financial support. If you feel led to be a part of what God is doing here in Thailand, and what He is doing in my heart, please click the SUPPORT tab at the top of the page.**

Su Su.

It's a phrase I've heard a hundred times. 

A phrase that means so little, yet so much. 

It all started a few weeks ago, as I sat in my room feeling more alone than ever in the throws of a particularly nasty anxiety attack.

I laid on the floor of my bedroom gasping for air between sobs, feeling like my heart was going to burst out of my chest. 

I begged God to let me go home. 

I begged God to lift me out of my despair, out my never-ending shortcomings. 

Still, as the attack wound down and I lay exhausted on the floor in the dark, 

I cried out to God telling him he was wrong. 

That I wasn't ready to be here. 

It was too hard, there was too much pain involved. 

And all he whispered was this one simple phrase.

"Su su."

A phrase that is so simple, and yet means so much to my daily life here. 

A sort of "you can do it!" Thai phrase, when directly translated actually means "fighting fighting."

Su su.

Whispered under my breath in moments where I think I may collapse under the fear of walking outside of my house. 

Spoken out loud through tears in a small bathroom stall after a particularly hard day of language learning. 

Thinking it over and over and over and over and over to myself when I can't seem to find the courage to speak up. 

It has been my continued mantra most days here. 

Not because life here is bad, or even that scary. 

But because sometimes life is hard. 

And transition is hard. 

And not seeing the big picture can make life seem hard. 

Moving to another continent doesn't change the fact that I still deal with anxiety. 

And while I may be embarrassed to admit that life here in Bangkok has been challenging for me, 

I am trying to make myself rely on trusting God more than anything I may feel or think in the moment. 

Speaking out this little encouragement to myself has made my days here less challenging and I've been able to give myself enough grace to just feel what I need to feel and then move on with my day. 

So I continue on. 

I will keep fighting for the dream God has placed on my heart for Thailand. 

I will keep fighting for the women in this country who have no hope of a life outside of the bars. 

I will keep fighting through everything that the enemy throws my way because I know that God has a bigger plan for me and for my life than I had ever thought. 

And because He is good, 

I will continue on. 

Su su. 

Bitter into Sweet

You turn the bitter into sweet, 

the bitter into sweet. 

You turn the winter into spring, 

the winter into spring.

I have been meaning to blog for days, but my first week back in Thailand has been so full that I've rarely had a chance to sit down and pull together my thoughts, let alone write them out.

I landed in Bangkok and was quickly reunited with Ashley and Erin, 

I got the chance to scope out the school I will be attending in March, 

and then Ashley, Erin and I headed down to Phuket to meet up with some of our friends who were with us at SHE and do our Annual Valentines Day outreach to the women in the bars on Bangla. 

The outreach was an incredible night of spreading the love of Jesus to everyone on Bangla road. There were so many amazing things that happened and so many tangible ways that God showed up. A bunch of other people volunteered to help us hand out flowers and it was incredible to witness other people fall in love with a place that I love so dearly. 

One of the highlights of my night was walking down the street and seeing some of my friends recognize me, and then run right to me with their arms wide open for an embrace. It brought my heart unspeakable joy to realize that the relationships I built two years ago are still alive and well. 

We also got to baptize one of the Thai women at the end of the night and it was just another reminder of how faithful God truly is. 

I knew that while I was in Phuket, I needed to make my way to the other side of the island, the place where the SHE property is and where I used to call home. 

I was nervous to say the very least, but I knew for closures sake, I needed go. 

As I pulled into my old neighbourhood on Koh Sirey, I could feel my emotions bubbling just under the surface. 

Anticipation in seeing the Thailand that is familiar to me. 

Nervousness in how I would react to seeing the land.

Excitement to see what the ASIA foundation has done with the land. 

Sadness in knowing that it won't be the home I left. 

I pulled up to the gate, got off my moto, and I just stared at this place that has always been dear to me in so many juxtaposing ways. 

It was the place that I witnessed and experienced more pain, more chaos, more confusion than anywhere else. It was also a place that I got to experience a community unlike any other. It was a place where I fought for the people around me and they fought for me. A place where I realized I was going to have to fight for Thailand in a very real way, and that it was going to be one of the hardest things I will ever have to endure. 

It was a place I called home. 

And a place I couldn't wait to say goodbye to. 

A place I cherished and fought for. 

And a place I had to let go of when God brought it to the ground. 

To stand there now, looking out at the buildings that look exactly the same,

seeing the trees move exactly the same as they always have, 

to hear the near constant chorus of cicadas sing as they always did, 

it was like I was feeling it all again. 

The hurt, 

the confusion, 

the chaos, 

it all came rushing back. 

But there was also peace. 

So much peace as I realized that the land was always meant to be what it is now. 

I wandered around, stopping to run my hands along the wall where someone had cut a hole to reach through and open the locked office door when we were having all the break-ins. 

I stopped to look at a painting that I used to see every day, now stuffed inside a storage room.

I noticed the stove outside of our house that was broken is now fixed and being used. 

Then I saw Missy and Beethoven, two of the dogs that Mark and Sharon loved and took care of, 

and that's when it hit me. 

They are really gone. 

SHE is really over. 

The season that was so full of pain is finally over. 

And I can walk away and move on. 

In that moment I ended up on the ground with both dogs bawling my eyes out, 

But I could feel something shift in my spirit.

As I mourned the end of SHE one final time, 

I knew that it was finally okay to just let it all go and walk into the Thailand that God had always intended for me. And as hard as everything was at SHE, I will forever be grateful for it. 

Because if SHE had never existed, I would have never come back to Thailand. 

I would have never met most of the people that are now so dear to me. 

I would not be here now, learning Thai in Bangkok so that I can go back into the bars in Bangla and minister in a more affective way. 

As hard as it was, I will always be thankful. 

But now, 

now it's time to lift my eyes up and walk into the sweet season ahead. 

My Psalm 116: Resurrection Psalm

Psalm 116 :5-9

The Lord is gracious and righteous, 

our God is full of compassion.

The Lord protects the simple-hearted.

When I was in great need, He saved me.

Be at rest once more, oh my soul, 

for the Lord has been good to you.

For You, O Lord have delivered my soul from death;

my eyes from tears,

my feet from stumbling,

that I may walk before the Lord in the land of the living. 

Hi. It's been a while.
Almost six months to be exact...
And to be honest, I hadn't meant to take so much time to figure out how to say what I needed to, but as the weeks turned into months, I realized that I needed to find some answers for myself, and for even just a little while, they needed to be all mine.
But I'm here now, and if you're reading this, so are you.
And I am so thankful.
I am ever grateful for all the people who have called me, messaged me, texted me just so I would know that I was not alone. I will never be able to encompass all the gratitude I feel for your patience and understanding as I figured out how to put myself back together. 

Because this year nearly killed me.

God brought me to the end of myself. He brought me to the end of everything I knew and seemingly tossed me into the abyss of the unknown. I lost all of my joy and my hope in an ocean of sorrow that I seemed to sink deeper and deeper into, and by the time I realized it, I was too weak and fragile to find my way to the surface.
I struggled under the weight of crippling anxiety.
I started to believe that I would never be able to return to Thailand because I was so broken, so incredibly heartbroken.
I didn't know who I was anymore, because I couldn't be who I was before the abuse happened, but I also couldn't be this mess of a person, this shell of a woman who would burst into tears over the smallest thing.


But slowly, so very slowly I began to remember.
I began to remember the promises of God.
I began to remember how incredibly faithful He is.
I began to remember how deep His love is.
And that even in my dark and lonely pit of depression, He would find me.
He would rescue me, and He would restore me.
And I would be a new creation again.
If only I could find the strength to look up...


I thought this year would kill me.
But it didn't. And I can say I am that much stronger for it, even if I sometimes feel so fragile still. I was so tempted to give up on God, to give up on Thailand and the plans He has for me there. I was so tempted to give up because I was tired of having to wrestle with myself, with my family, with God, with my friends, with my thoughts, with every lie spoken by the enemy. I was so very tired.
I could see January looming before me and realized there was no way I could get to Thailand. I started to feel comfortable here in Calgary with a good job, the most precious niece in the world, and the few friends who stood by my side in my darkest night. I always knew I would get there eventually, but I came to accept the fact that it might not be anytime soon.
I released myself of my own expectations and I decided to stay in Calgary for a while.


But God asked me if I would trust Him again,
and I said I would.

He asked me if I was ready to go back,
and I said I was...n't, but if He said I was I would believe Him.

He asked me if I believed He would provide,
and I said maybe...

He asked me if I would book a flight,
and I said yes, but I have no money...

So He gave me some money.
And today, with trembling fingers,
 I booked a flight.



On February 8th, 2016 I will be on a one way flight to Bangkok.
I don't have any plans,
I don't have any money,
I don't have anything figured out.
But I do know without any doubt in my heart that it is time.
It's time to remember what it's like to feel alive again.
It's time to remember how to be free again.
It's time for my heart to get some closure.
It's time for me to go home.



I hope that you will join me in prayer for my time there and for what God has in store for me.
Pray for my heart as I prepare to leave Calgary, because even though I know it's time, I am scared to walk forward into another season of so many unknowns.
Pray for my family as they have to say goodbye to me once again, and don't understand why I am going when I don't have anything figured out.
Pray for finances, and provision, and open doors, and favor.
But most of all, pray for peace that surpasses all understanding.