Hot Mess.

I've tried to post this blog about ten times, 

and it seems that the wifi disagrees with my desire to share my heart with the world. 

Perhaps it's a blessing in disguise, seeing as it's given me the opportunity to re-evaluate where my heart is actually at. 

The last two months (sorry!) have been difficult to say the very least.

But they have also been filled with more beauty than my heart can often handle. 

I've learned a lot about where I'm really at with God and that I'm in a season of healing. 

 I've learned that I have some of the most amazing people living with me/putting up with me every day. 

I've learned that sometimes things are really hard, and that's okay.

In an effort to be vulnerable, I want to share where I've been, 

but sometimes it seems I'll never truly find words that could 

ever be big enough to encompass everything that my heart

has been sifting through the last couple of months. 

My incredible friend Ashley has written about the most recent development in our 

situation and sometimes borrowed words are better. 

To read what she has written, click here. 

And as for me personally,

I feel like I have been nothing short of a hot mess. 

I don't know how to accurately describe the heartbreak I witness and experience every night I am in Patong. I don't know how to tell everyone what's been going on in my heart without sounding like I've been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. 

But I said I would be vulnerable… 

So here I go I guess. 

Thailand is amazing. 

The love I have for this place is unparalleled. 

I feel more at home than I have in a very long time. 

That being said, 

Thailand is also very hard. 

The spiritual atmosphere is constantly changing, 

making it hard to figure out if I'm being attacked, or if I really am just going crazy.

The highs and lows are constantly changing, 

sometimes showing up in equal parts during one night of ministry. 

I haven't been sleeping very well because of the shifting atmosphere, 

making it damn near impossible for me to have any pain tolerance to deal with the migraines that have plagued me for as long as I can remember. 

My body is not okay.

My heart is not okay. 

My spirit is not okay. 

And I guess I've just come to place where I am literally at the end of myself. 

As a fellow writer and someone I greatly look up to so eloquently put it, 

"I stand up, only to collapse in on myself again, praying to hold together long enough to make it through the days."

I feel like lately I've been holding onto literally the last bit of faith within me. 

I keep saying "I trust God, I trust God, I trust God." 

Even if at this point, it's more to convince myself than anything else. 

I have to trust Him, because I've got literally nothing left. 

Right now, the thought of putting that on the internet and telling the whole world that I'm just not okay

is scary for me because I'm a missionary. I'm "supposed" to have everything figured out, right?

Well, I've decided I'm throwing out those words. 

No longer is "supposed to" going to be a part of my vocabulary. 

So I guess I am a hot mess. 

And I guess that's okay. 

Even if I feel as though I am sometimes burdening others with my mess. 

But as my amazing, wise, and beautiful friend told me, 

I need to just offer up what I have to Jesus. 

And what I have right now is frustration and brokenness and hopelessness.

But Jesus is in the business of redemption.

Thank goodness for that.  

Even now, here's my heart, God.