My Whole Heart

I've been wandering around a road map of emotions and thoughts for weeks,

 trying to figure out how to put what I feel into words.

I'm finding myself increasingly frustrated with my blatant inability to accurately express my heart, 

but I haven't written in over a month, so the time is now. 

I once heard someone say that writing is more than inspiration. 

It's sitting yourself down and forcing yourself to "go there", whether it comes out polished or not. 

So that's where I'm at. 

I have amazing stories of this past month, but somehow I can't figure out how to tell them. 

I want my words to move people. 

I want my photos to impact people's lives. 

I want the songs I write to change people. 

And to do that I need to be vulnerable. 

The words "my whole heart" have been floating around my brain since I arrived in Thailand and I had no idea what that meant. 

I kept praying into it, trying to figure out what God was trying to say. 

I realized a couple days ago that I really want to give my whole heart to something. 

I want to pour myself out completely until there is nothing left. 

I want to write songs that come straight from my journal without inhibition. 

I want to tell the stories of how Jesus rescued me from a sordid past, and how much hope I have because of the redemption He's given me, that He will do the same for every person who steps onto Bangla Road. 

I want to be real.

I want to be raw, and messy and real.

Because I think that all of us appreciate that much more than something that is completely polished anyway. 

But I'm afraid.

 And I don't want to be anymore. 

I don't want fear to hold me back from going deep into my creative well. 

I don't want fear to be the reason I never share that song, or that piece of my heart. 

But this is my declaration that from now on, 

I am going to "go there". 

I am going to bleed vulnerability if I have to. 

Because that may be the very thing that will give me the freedom that I need. 

So I want to apologize for not writing for so long, 

and to ask for grace as I try to figure this thing out and what it practically looks like.