1:08 AM

I've been trying to write for days. 

I've spent countless hours in Starbucks, in my bed, in my secret place, trying to form my thoughts and mould my heartbeats into cohesive words. To no avail. 

I've been less inspired than usual, lately. I suppose that's alright sometimes though. I don't always have to have everything tied together with a pretty bow. I don't need everything I do to scream with creativity. 

Lately, I've felt dried up. Nothing left to give. Tired. So very tired. 

Yet here I am, at 1:08am knowing that I have a very full day of chasing 12 two year olds ahead of me, writing. Feeling the need to somehow pour my soul into something. 

What happened to the love of writing that I used to possess? I used to find joy in forming perfectly crafted sentences, intentionally placing words and then replacing them. I used to love writing. Now it seems such a burden to make my thoughts sounds even remotely comprehensive. 

I have a burden to tell the story. My story. Their stories. 

At night, I dream of their faces. One by one, they flash by my mind's eye like a movie replaying over and over. It's a good thing. I don't want to forget them. But how do I find words that mean enough? How I put together sentences and paragraphs that could ever mean enough? They are not just stories. They are people. Humans. That I loved. Babies that I gave every part of my heart to. Old women who I laughed with. Prostitutes I cried for. 

They are so much more than just stories to me. 

I want more than anything to do them justice. If I am called to write their stories, then I want to do it with excellence. I want them to be more than stories to everyone else. 

And I just can't seem to find the words. But I guess that's alright sometimes too.

I'm learning what it means to rest. I'm learning that it's okay to be a little selfish sometimes. I learning that boundaries are necessary. I'm learning that I need vulnerability to function. 

So I'm just going to rest. And see where this thing goes. Maybe in doing so, I'll find my heart again.