Bitter into Sweet

You turn the bitter into sweet, 

the bitter into sweet. 

You turn the winter into spring, 

the winter into spring.

I have been meaning to blog for days, but my first week back in Thailand has been so full that I've rarely had a chance to sit down and pull together my thoughts, let alone write them out.

I landed in Bangkok and was quickly reunited with Ashley and Erin, 

I got the chance to scope out the school I will be attending in March, 

and then Ashley, Erin and I headed down to Phuket to meet up with some of our friends who were with us at SHE and do our Annual Valentines Day outreach to the women in the bars on Bangla. 

The outreach was an incredible night of spreading the love of Jesus to everyone on Bangla road. There were so many amazing things that happened and so many tangible ways that God showed up. A bunch of other people volunteered to help us hand out flowers and it was incredible to witness other people fall in love with a place that I love so dearly. 

One of the highlights of my night was walking down the street and seeing some of my friends recognize me, and then run right to me with their arms wide open for an embrace. It brought my heart unspeakable joy to realize that the relationships I built two years ago are still alive and well. 

We also got to baptize one of the Thai women at the end of the night and it was just another reminder of how faithful God truly is. 

I knew that while I was in Phuket, I needed to make my way to the other side of the island, the place where the SHE property is and where I used to call home. 

I was nervous to say the very least, but I knew for closures sake, I needed go. 

As I pulled into my old neighbourhood on Koh Sirey, I could feel my emotions bubbling just under the surface. 

Anticipation in seeing the Thailand that is familiar to me. 

Nervousness in how I would react to seeing the land.

Excitement to see what the ASIA foundation has done with the land. 

Sadness in knowing that it won't be the home I left. 

I pulled up to the gate, got off my moto, and I just stared at this place that has always been dear to me in so many juxtaposing ways. 

It was the place that I witnessed and experienced more pain, more chaos, more confusion than anywhere else. It was also a place that I got to experience a community unlike any other. It was a place where I fought for the people around me and they fought for me. A place where I realized I was going to have to fight for Thailand in a very real way, and that it was going to be one of the hardest things I will ever have to endure. 

It was a place I called home. 

And a place I couldn't wait to say goodbye to. 

A place I cherished and fought for. 

And a place I had to let go of when God brought it to the ground. 

To stand there now, looking out at the buildings that look exactly the same,

seeing the trees move exactly the same as they always have, 

to hear the near constant chorus of cicadas sing as they always did, 

it was like I was feeling it all again. 

The hurt, 

the confusion, 

the chaos, 

it all came rushing back. 

But there was also peace. 

So much peace as I realized that the land was always meant to be what it is now. 

I wandered around, stopping to run my hands along the wall where someone had cut a hole to reach through and open the locked office door when we were having all the break-ins. 

I stopped to look at a painting that I used to see every day, now stuffed inside a storage room.

I noticed the stove outside of our house that was broken is now fixed and being used. 

Then I saw Missy and Beethoven, two of the dogs that Mark and Sharon loved and took care of, 

and that's when it hit me. 

They are really gone. 

SHE is really over. 

The season that was so full of pain is finally over. 

And I can walk away and move on. 

In that moment I ended up on the ground with both dogs bawling my eyes out, 

But I could feel something shift in my spirit.

As I mourned the end of SHE one final time, 

I knew that it was finally okay to just let it all go and walk into the Thailand that God had always intended for me. And as hard as everything was at SHE, I will forever be grateful for it. 

Because if SHE had never existed, I would have never come back to Thailand. 

I would have never met most of the people that are now so dear to me. 

I would not be here now, learning Thai in Bangkok so that I can go back into the bars in Bangla and minister in a more affective way. 

As hard as it was, I will always be thankful. 

But now, 

now it's time to lift my eyes up and walk into the sweet season ahead.