Comatose.

Silence. 

Longing.

Digging in an unmovable pile of rubble, searching for peace. 

Sitting on the hard bamboo, 

I breathe in the thick air of the evening. 

I look around at the vegetation, the life swarming my every side. 

I look at the sky, 

constantly shifting pastel hues melting into the inevitable blackness. 

I know I should move soon because the misquotes are starting to become unbearable, 

but I can't seem to find my composure today. 

Two more minutes, I think to myself. 

Just two more minutes and then you have to go in there. 

I let the tears flow freely, and I sink into my heartbreak, just for a moment…

Then I stand up, wipe my face clear of sorrow, and I force my feet to carry me through the door to sing melodies I'm having trouble believing lately. 

---------------------

I've been asleep. 

It all happened so gradually, 

and before I knew what was happening, my heart gave up. 

When I think back, there are many details that seem so trivial now, 

but in the moment, I genuinely wasn't sure I would make it. 

I cried a lot. 

I drank more wine than I probably should have some days. 

I spent countless hours aimlessly staring into the ocean. 

I prayed and I prayed and I prayed. 

But my heart was in a coma. 

I am in a coma. 

All the words people say, 

all the encouragement and kind sentiments, 

the many times people tell me to just keep fighting, 

they are never heard over the sounds of the respirator, or the heart monitor. 

It's been three months. 

And for the first time, I'm letting myself remember. 

I'm feeling like I'm ready to open my eyes, 

but then I remember how much light hurts after you've stared into black nothingness for so long, 

and I get scared. 

I'm scared and I'm shaky and I am all too aware of how easy it would be to just stay here in the nothingness. 

But how wasteful.

How useless is a life left strapped to a hospital bed. 

Unmoving, barely breathing. 

Silence. 

Nothing but the push and pull of the respirator. 

I don't want to stay here. 

I know everything is changed. 

Nothing will be as I left it. 

Especially my heart. 

I don't remember how to breathe on my own.

But I can already feel the lids over my eyes separating. 

They slowly peel back, 

and there is nothing but white...