Rest In Peace

I don't ever tell anyone when I'm going there. 

Some seem to think it's strange. 

But today, I needed peace. 

I needed stillness and beauty and above all, peace. 

The most peaceful place I know is on the outskirts of the city, located right in the middle of a cemetery. 

The sun was out and the sky was a crisp, satin blue today. 

There were many people around, placing perfectly arranged flowers over the names of their loved ones. 

I sat in the grass, breathing deeply for the first time in what felt like a year. 

All around me there is an eeriness. 

Like a foreboding sadness lurking on the edges of my conscious thought.

I don't give in though. 

It's hard to be sad when you look around and realize things could be much worse... 

I feel like I've been wandering around in a shell shocked stupor since the wheels hit the tarmac 10 months ago. 

I've let so many opportunities pass me by. 

I've said no, when I know God wanted me to say yes. 

I've let people down, and I've lived under unrelenting shame for it. 

I've wallowed in sadness, trying to bring back the season I wasn't ready to say goodbye to.

But not today. 

Today I breathed deep, and I let it all go. 

It's funny how sitting in the grass knowing there are a bunch of dead bodies underneath you changes your perspective. 

My problems, my worries, my anxious thoughts, my doubts. 

They all just don't seem to matter when I think about the big picture. 

When I'm 90, will I even remember why I cried for a week, thinking God didn't care or didn't see me?  

On my deathbed, will I remember feeling like a ridiculous, hot mess all of the time? 

This season has been really hard. 

I'm barely breathing most days. 

And sometimes I just need to know that this struggle will end. 

That this too shall pass. 

I'm learning what it really means to rest in the peace of my Saviour. 

I'm learning that it's not always going to something that comes naturally. 

Sometimes it's a choice. 

I've been anxious about raising money for Thailand, knowing that there's no grace to fail this time. 

I've been wondering if I'm even called at all, or if I am being selfish for leaving my family again. 

I've been sitting in this place of fear, thinking that I will get there and realize I made a mistake, 

that I didn't really hear His voice promising me more time in Thailand. 

I've been wrong so many times before... 

But as I sat under the blue sky and watched the yellow leaves dance, 

I decided to just live in the moment, 

and remember that He is God. 

And if I made a mistake, 

there's grace. 

If I don't raise enough money, 

there is something better for me. 

If I can never get my shit together and I'm a hot mess the rest of my life,

so be it. 

I'll be His hot mess. 

I have to trust that He's big enough to make my mess into beauty again.