The Boy Who Changed Everything.

Once upon a time, 

a girl named Allison went on a trek around the world. 

She joined up with 49 other people as they made their way through 4 continents,

loving and serving the locals and one another.

As they made their way through southern Africa, 

her heart rejoiced. 

There's something about Africa that just makes you come alive...

 But as they began the eighth month of the journey in the tiny nation of Swaziland, 

she was weary. 

Allison could feel the hopelessness of the whole country and it weighed heavily on her heart. 

But then one day, 

she met a boy. 

A teeny tiny baby boy named Michael, who changed everything for her.

For as long as I can remember, 

 I've wanted to be a mother. 

As I child I had many dolls and all of the accessories for each of them. 

My mom has a picture of me when I was about 2 or 3,

walking around with a baby doll stuck under my shirt pretending to be pregnant. 

I've never known a time when I didn't love babies. 

But this baby was very, very different. 

The moment I looked into his deep brown eyes, my heart was sealed to his. 

I didn't just love this child. 

I wanted to give the sun and the moon to him. 

I wanted to bring him home with me and have him with me forever. 

I very seriously considered dropping out of my journey and staying in Swazi with him. 

I talked to the staff to see if it were possible to adopt him. 

It wasn't. It's not. 

Since the day I left him, 

I've thought of him constantly. 

I pray for him, I sometimes pretend he's here with me. 

I think about maybe someday going back to that orphanage on the mountain and staying there with him, just so I can officially call him mine...

Today I stumbled across a recent picture of him and I couldn't stop the tears. 

My sweet baby is now a charming little toddler. 

I seriously couldn't love him more. 

Once upon a time, 

there was a little boy named Michael. 

His momma left him swaddled in blankets at an orphanage on top of a mountain. 

He needed someone to love him and snuggle him. 

Then one day, 

a girl came to the orphanage. 

A girl who was broken and sad and tired. 

She needed someone to love her, too.

She picked up the bundle of blankets and she saw him smiling back at her. 

Michael became the ray of light she needed. 

He was the only thing that gave her hope. 

He was the boy who changed everything...

Rest In Peace

I don't ever tell anyone when I'm going there. 

Some seem to think it's strange. 

But today, I needed peace. 

I needed stillness and beauty and above all, peace. 

The most peaceful place I know is on the outskirts of the city, located right in the middle of a cemetery. 

The sun was out and the sky was a crisp, satin blue today. 

There were many people around, placing perfectly arranged flowers over the names of their loved ones. 

I sat in the grass, breathing deeply for the first time in what felt like a year. 

All around me there is an eeriness. 

Like a foreboding sadness lurking on the edges of my conscious thought.

I don't give in though. 

It's hard to be sad when you look around and realize things could be much worse... 

I feel like I've been wandering around in a shell shocked stupor since the wheels hit the tarmac 10 months ago. 

I've let so many opportunities pass me by. 

I've said no, when I know God wanted me to say yes. 

I've let people down, and I've lived under unrelenting shame for it. 

I've wallowed in sadness, trying to bring back the season I wasn't ready to say goodbye to.

But not today. 

Today I breathed deep, and I let it all go. 

It's funny how sitting in the grass knowing there are a bunch of dead bodies underneath you changes your perspective. 

My problems, my worries, my anxious thoughts, my doubts. 

They all just don't seem to matter when I think about the big picture. 

When I'm 90, will I even remember why I cried for a week, thinking God didn't care or didn't see me?  

On my deathbed, will I remember feeling like a ridiculous, hot mess all of the time? 

This season has been really hard. 

I'm barely breathing most days. 

And sometimes I just need to know that this struggle will end. 

That this too shall pass. 

I'm learning what it really means to rest in the peace of my Saviour. 

I'm learning that it's not always going to something that comes naturally. 

Sometimes it's a choice. 

I've been anxious about raising money for Thailand, knowing that there's no grace to fail this time. 

I've been wondering if I'm even called at all, or if I am being selfish for leaving my family again. 

I've been sitting in this place of fear, thinking that I will get there and realize I made a mistake, 

that I didn't really hear His voice promising me more time in Thailand. 

I've been wrong so many times before... 

But as I sat under the blue sky and watched the yellow leaves dance, 

I decided to just live in the moment, 

and remember that He is God. 

And if I made a mistake, 

there's grace. 

If I don't raise enough money, 

there is something better for me. 

If I can never get my shit together and I'm a hot mess the rest of my life,

so be it. 

I'll be His hot mess. 

I have to trust that He's big enough to make my mess into beauty again.