The Place Where My Heart Lives.

**all names have been changed for the protection of the women

I sat on the blue lounge chair, the light breeze shifting my short hair. 

I closed my eyes. 

The suns rays beat down on my face turning the inside of my lids a blazing red. 

I could hear the crystal clear waves lapping the white shore a mere 6 feet away. 

I listened to Ann*, her delicate friend and my squadmate laugh and splash each other in the bath-like water. 

I felt a drop of sweat slide off my forehead. 

Though many people saw it as a bad thing, 

I found that the humidity was comforting in a way. 

It made me feel like I was safe, comfortable, held close as it pressed incessantly against my skin. 

I was completely content. 

Happy.

Blessed. 

Right where I was supposed to be. 

My thoughts turned to her. 

Ann. 

Her laugh was so beautiful.

I wondered how many times tourists heard her real laugh. 

I could probably count the times on one hand. 

I hated that. 

I wanted to make sure that she was safe and in a place where she could laugh freely at all hours of the day. 

I realized then that I only had two weeks left in this place. 

My heart started to beat faster as I realized that in 14 days, I would have to say goodbye to her. 

To Bam*.

To Pearl*, who, to this day, I still can't bring myself to talk about without crying. 

To every girl I had come to love in such an incredibly short time. 

What is two weeks in the scheme of things?

Nothing. 

It's no time at all. 

And I was almost out of time. 

I kept my eyes closed and silently begged God for more time. 

I just need more time. 

It was then that He promised I would be back.

And I've held on to that promise for over a year. 

Since that moment, 

I have prayed for, cried for, longed for Phuket. 

When I got on the bus to Bangkok and then to Cambodia, 

I vowed to myself that I would do whatever it took to get myself back there and love those women right out of those bars. 

I left my heart there,

knowing it would be painful.  

Knowing that if I did, 

I would have to go back and get it. 

And so begins my journey back to where my heart lives. 

I cannot seem to find the words to express how grateful I am,

 to not only be given the opportunity to go back and love these women, 

but to also fulfill the deepest desire of my heart and to be a part of my dream ministry. 

To make this happen, 

I need to raise $10,000 which will allow me to live there for 2 years. 

My goal is to have $5,000 by the time I leave in January. 

If you are passionate about human trafficking and seeing justice brought to the nation of Thailand, 

but don't have the means to go, 

you can make a huge impact by partnering with me in my mission,

either prayerfully or financially. 

I am not expecting you to pay my way there. 

I'm expecting God to. 

But I also want to give you the opportunity to be a part of what the Lord is doing in me and in the nations. 

I want you to have the opportunity to be a part of something more, something tangible. 

I want you to have the opportunity to impact the nations. 

If you feel led to give, 

you can do so in person, or through the donate button on the right hand side of this page. 

Thank you to everyone who has faithfully supported me all throughout this crazy journey the Lord has me on. I promise, it does NOT go unnoticed. 

Please let me know if you would like to go for coffee so I can tell you more about my heart for Thailand and how God is putting things together so far. 

Much Love! 

Here's to the Dub.

June 9th. 

Exactly one year ago today, I boarded a plane in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia 

bound for China and then Los Angeles. 

I remember getting on the bus that would take us to the airport.

I sat near the front and stared out the window. 

My second to last flight of that season was about to happen, 

and I was so ready. 

But so NOT ready at the same time. 

I remember thinking over and over 

"I can't believe it's over. I can't believe it's actually over."

During the race, I was pretty sure the end would never come. 

We would talk about home. 

Dream about eating at our favourite restaurants, or the luxury of being able to be in a room by ourselves. 

I couldn't wait to get home and sleep in my bed for the first time in just short of a year. 

I had waited what seemed like forever to hug my family members. 

I was beyond excited to be around Canadians for the first time in a year.

But that meant saying goodbye to 49 Americans who had completely stolen my heart. 

My squad, my family, my mentors, my best friends. 

Bittersweet. 

So, so bittersweet. 

We arrived in LAX and everyone went their separate ways. 

I went to a hotel with 4 of squadmates and later that night, set out to explore Hollywood. 

The next morning, 

I said goodbye for real, and got on a plane by myself for the first time in a year, 

my parents and my brother ahead of me and the only family I had known for the past year behind me.

  

Since that day, 

God has been so faithful. 

I had the incredible opportunity to led an amazing group of girls as we ministered in Kenya, 

and I got to see them become amazing women.

I'm so honoured that I got to be a part of their journey, 

and I will cherish those 4 months forever. 

I came home from Kenya with a deeper intimacy with the Lord

and a whole new set of leadership skills. 

As I embraced a new season, I was brought into a family. 

A beautiful community similar to the race. 

Now I'm serving at Imagine Church and preparing to move to Thailand in six short months. 

It's been a crazy year. 

It's been hard, but like they say on the race; 

if it wasn't hard it would be boring.

And this year has definitely been anything but boring. 

I am missing my beautiful Dub squad more than ever today. 

I wish I could hug all of them, 

or sit down and talk about all the things God is doing and everything He's put on my heart. 

I wish I could laugh with them and take 30 bus rides with them. 

Eat Chik-fil-A with them.

Love them and be loved by them. 

So here's to the Dub.

You guys changed me, 

you loved me like I've never been loved.

You taught me so much and I never could have made it through that crazy trip without you. 

I miss all of you so so much.  

Love you, mean it. 

Finding Oxygen.

As I sat on the floor of the stand up shower in my basement, 

my tears mixed with the steady stream of water that poured from above me. 

Weeping on the floor of my shower is not a rare occurrence for me.

In fact, on any given day that may prove to be more trying than most, 

you could probably find me there. 

On the race, the shower became my sanctuary. 

It was the only place I could be completely alone. 

I've sort of carried that over into real life I guess. 

When I have questions, when I feel hopelessly lonely, 

when I need to cry for no damn reason at all. 

The shower is my place. 

The place where I find my oxygen. 

Lately I've felt... suffocated. 

I've felt hopelessly lonely. 

I've felt like I'm just floating.

And I'm exhausted. 

Which is frustrating because I feel like I haven't even done anything for the past 6 months. 

All I do all day long I dream about walking the streets of Phuket, 

I dream about loving the women in the bars. 

I dream about taking photos and writing blogs that will inspire people. 

I dream about being where my heart lives. 

How do you go about your day when your heart is somewhere else?

How do you breathe without feeling the pain in your chest?

How do you live without your heart?

Apparently you just hold your breath and hope no one notices you're drowning. 

Which brings me here. 

Weeping on the floor of my shower. 

Heart breaking, soul crying out. 

Seeking with everything in me.

And finding. 

Finding the only One who can get me through this. 

Finding peace.

Restoration.

Finding my oxygen.