Friday, 13 May 2016

Abiding




so take it all away
if it isn't meant for me,
I don't want the easy way
I just want you.
they can give me everything
but at the end of the day, 
the only words i'll say
is I just want you...



Sometimes I feel as though I'm stuck in a body that isn't mine. 
A constant clashing of spirit and flesh, a walking war zone. The spirit in me finds immense joy in my daily life, and my flesh screams at me to find something safe and comfortable and familiar. The spirit in me tells my heart to rest in Him. My flesh tells me to prepare to go back to Calgary because the number in my bank account only ever gets smaller. My spirit tells me I am home already. My flesh tells me I'm only kidding myself.  

The war is never ceasing. In every moment of every day, I find myself on a teeter-totter of belief and unbelief. Of trust and mistrust. Of pursuing the heart of God and running away from Him. In the end I always settle into no-mans-land and ask God to speak. 


I am in control. 
I see you.
I know you.  
I understand you.
I love you. 

I know what you need. 
I know what you need. 
I know what you need. 

Over and over I let Him say it. 
Over and over, over and over, until I believe it, even if only for a moment. 

He knows what I need. 
He knows what I need. 
He knows that I have rent to pay. 
He knows that I don't have the money to pay for my language school next month. 
He knows that I worry about how to pay for my next visa to stay in the country. 
He knows that I get lonely sometimes. 
He knows that while I'm afraid to be seen, I long to be known. 
He knows. 
He knows. 
He knows. 


So I settle in, and I rest a while, and I will wake to fight again tomorrow. 
But right now, the only thing He's asked me to do is abide.  









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