It's a phrase I've heard a hundred times.
A phrase that means so little, yet so much.
It all started a few weeks ago, as I sat in my room feeling more alone than ever in the throws of a particularly nasty anxiety attack.
I laid on the floor of my bedroom gasping for air between sobs, feeling like my heart was going to burst out of my chest.
I begged God to let me go home.
I begged God to lift me out of my despair, out my never-ending shortcomings.
Still, as the attack wound down and I lay exhausted on the floor in the dark,
I cried out to God telling him he was wrong.
That I wasn't ready to be here.
It was too hard, there was too much pain involved.
And all he whispered was this one simple phrase.
"Su su."
A phrase that is so simple, and yet means so much to my daily life here.
A sort of "you can do it!" Thai phrase, when directly translated actually means "fighting fighting."
Su su.
Whispered under my breath in moments where I think I may collapse under the fear of walking outside of my house.
Spoken out loud through tears in a small bathroom stall after a particularly hard day of language learning.
Thinking it over and over and over and over and over to myself when I can't seem to find the courage to speak up.
It has been my continued mantra most days here.
Not because life here is bad, or even that scary.
But because sometimes life is hard.
And transition is hard.
And not seeing the big picture can make life seem hard.
Moving to another continent doesn't change the fact that I still deal with anxiety.
And while I may be embarrassed to admit that life here in Bangkok has been challenging for me,
I am trying to make myself rely on trusting God more than anything I may feel or think in the moment.
Speaking out this little encouragement to myself has made my days here less challenging and I've been able to give myself enough grace to just feel what I need to feel and then move on with my day.
So I continue on.
I will keep fighting for the dream God has placed on my heart for Thailand.
I will keep fighting for the women in this country who have no hope of a life outside of the bars.
I will keep fighting through everything that the enemy throws my way because I know that God has a bigger plan for me and for my life than I had ever thought.
And because He is good,
I will continue on.
Su su.
