Psalm 116 :5-9
The Lord is gracious and righteous,
our God is full of compassion.
The Lord protects the simple-hearted.
When I was in great need, He saved me.
Be at rest once more, oh my soul,
for the Lord has been good to you.
For You, O Lord have delivered my soul from death;
my eyes from tears,
my feet from stumbling,
that I may walk before the Lord in the land of the living.
Hi. It's been a while.
Almost six months to be exact...
And to be honest, I hadn't meant to take so much time to figure out how to say what I needed to, but as the weeks turned into months, I realized that I needed to find some answers for myself, and for even just a little while, they needed to be all mine.
But I'm here now, and if you're reading this, so are you.
And I am so thankful.
I am ever grateful for all the people who have called me, messaged me, texted me just so I would know that I was not alone. I will never be able to encompass all the gratitude I feel for your patience and understanding as I figured out how to put myself back together.
Because this year nearly killed me.
God brought me to the end of myself. He brought me to the end of everything I knew and seemingly tossed me into the abyss of the unknown. I lost all of my joy and my hope in an ocean of sorrow that I seemed to sink deeper and deeper into, and by the time I realized it, I was too weak and fragile to find my way to the surface.
I struggled under the weight of crippling anxiety.
I started to believe that I would never be able to return to Thailand because I was so broken, so incredibly heartbroken.
I didn't know who I was anymore, because I couldn't be who I was before the abuse happened, but I also couldn't be this mess of a person, this shell of a woman who would burst into tears over the smallest thing.
But slowly, so very slowly I began to remember.
I began to remember the promises of God.
I began to remember how incredibly faithful He is.
I began to remember how deep His love is.
And that even in my dark and lonely pit of depression, He would find me.
He would rescue me, and He would restore me.
And I would be a new creation again.
If only I could find the strength to look up...
I thought this year would kill me.
But it didn't. And I can say I am that much stronger for it, even if I sometimes feel so fragile still. I was so tempted to give up on God, to give up on Thailand and the plans He has for me there. I was so tempted to give up because I was tired of having to wrestle with myself, with my family, with God, with my friends, with my thoughts, with every lie spoken by the enemy. I was so very tired.
I could see January looming before me and realized there was no way I could get to Thailand. I started to feel comfortable here in Calgary with a good job, the most precious niece in the world, and the few friends who stood by my side in my darkest night. I always knew I would get there eventually, but I came to accept the fact that it might not be anytime soon.
I released myself of my own expectations and I decided to stay in Calgary for a while.
But God asked me if I would trust Him again,
and I said I would.
He asked me if I was ready to go back,
and I said I was...n't, but if He said I was I would believe Him.
He asked me if I believed He would provide,
and I said maybe...
He asked me if I would book a flight,
and I said yes, but I have no money...
So He gave me some money.
And today, with trembling fingers,
I booked a flight.
On February 8th, 2016 I will be on a one way flight to Bangkok.
I don't have any plans,
I don't have any money,
I don't have anything figured out.
But I do know without any doubt in my heart that it is time.
It's time to remember what it's like to feel alive again.
It's time to remember how to be free again.
It's time for my heart to get some closure.
It's time for me to go home.
I hope that you will join me in prayer for my time there and for what God has in store for me.
Pray for my heart as I prepare to leave Calgary, because even though I know it's time, I am scared to walk forward into another season of so many unknowns.
Pray for my family as they have to say goodbye to me once again, and don't understand why I am going when I don't have anything figured out.
Pray for finances, and provision, and open doors, and favor.
But most of all, pray for peace that surpasses all understanding.
God brought me to the end of myself. He brought me to the end of everything I knew and seemingly tossed me into the abyss of the unknown. I lost all of my joy and my hope in an ocean of sorrow that I seemed to sink deeper and deeper into, and by the time I realized it, I was too weak and fragile to find my way to the surface.
I struggled under the weight of crippling anxiety.
I started to believe that I would never be able to return to Thailand because I was so broken, so incredibly heartbroken.
I didn't know who I was anymore, because I couldn't be who I was before the abuse happened, but I also couldn't be this mess of a person, this shell of a woman who would burst into tears over the smallest thing.
But slowly, so very slowly I began to remember.
I began to remember the promises of God.
I began to remember how incredibly faithful He is.
I began to remember how deep His love is.
And that even in my dark and lonely pit of depression, He would find me.
He would rescue me, and He would restore me.
And I would be a new creation again.
If only I could find the strength to look up...
I thought this year would kill me.
But it didn't. And I can say I am that much stronger for it, even if I sometimes feel so fragile still. I was so tempted to give up on God, to give up on Thailand and the plans He has for me there. I was so tempted to give up because I was tired of having to wrestle with myself, with my family, with God, with my friends, with my thoughts, with every lie spoken by the enemy. I was so very tired.
I could see January looming before me and realized there was no way I could get to Thailand. I started to feel comfortable here in Calgary with a good job, the most precious niece in the world, and the few friends who stood by my side in my darkest night. I always knew I would get there eventually, but I came to accept the fact that it might not be anytime soon.
I released myself of my own expectations and I decided to stay in Calgary for a while.
But God asked me if I would trust Him again,
and I said I would.
He asked me if I was ready to go back,
and I said I was...n't, but if He said I was I would believe Him.
He asked me if I believed He would provide,
and I said maybe...
He asked me if I would book a flight,
and I said yes, but I have no money...
So He gave me some money.
And today, with trembling fingers,
I booked a flight.
On February 8th, 2016 I will be on a one way flight to Bangkok.
I don't have any plans,
I don't have any money,
I don't have anything figured out.
But I do know without any doubt in my heart that it is time.
It's time to remember what it's like to feel alive again.
It's time to remember how to be free again.
It's time for my heart to get some closure.
It's time for me to go home.
I hope that you will join me in prayer for my time there and for what God has in store for me.
Pray for my heart as I prepare to leave Calgary, because even though I know it's time, I am scared to walk forward into another season of so many unknowns.
Pray for my family as they have to say goodbye to me once again, and don't understand why I am going when I don't have anything figured out.
Pray for finances, and provision, and open doors, and favor.
But most of all, pray for peace that surpasses all understanding.
