Requiem.

Requiem. 

Requiem for my expectations.

Requiem for my brokenness.

A sweet, lamenting brought on by the onset of life abundant.

A Requiem for my fears, for my lies.

For the disease that pours out of my pores.

For the loneliness that leaks from inside.

A Requiem for the shallowness of my sallow soul.  

Wide awake.

My juxtaposed heart changes with the rolling tide. 

The waves swallowing my self-doubt. 

Drowning the angry attempts at fighting the process

Breathing in. Breathing out. 

Hope through osmosis. 

I am in a strange place. 

A familiar place.

An unexpected oasis of calm waters and a balm for my aching spirit.

A rapturous melody. 

An irresistible constant. 

An incandescent Promised Land. 

Impossible to encapsulate.

Impossible to understand.

Life to my dying self. 

And if I blink, I might just miss it.

--------------------------------------

My heart can't find the words, and yet they've never seemed so loud.

When I break through the ever increasing tension of my spirit and my flesh, I find myself in an ocean of hope. 

A beautiful calm; an intoxicating place of rest. 

A place where my lungs can fully expand, beyond the bones that cage them. 

Sometimes the only thing that can be said is nothing at all. 

But what good would that do?

My heart is full and alive and irrevocably moved. 

And if even for just a moment, 

I'd like to keep it completely mine. 

Awake and Alive.

The truck chugged up Patong hill, wrestling gravity but coming out the victor.
We zoomed left and the right, then left again.
All around me, voices of those I've only just met rise in worship.

"Nothing can separate, even if I ran away.
Your love never fails."

I close my eyes and breathe in this moment.
The humid air beats across my face and I can't help but feel a little more alive every second.

The last time I was on Bangla Road, I wept.
I had found darkness thicker than anywhere in the world.
I had found the epitome of hell in the physical.
But I also found that in the darkest place I knew,
Jesus' heart met mine.

I walked slowly, taking it all in.
It's easy to get caught up in the music, the lights, the noise, the people.
But when you stand still, and you look into a woman's eyes, it's impossible to miss the devastation this place brings.
I'm shocked to find how much has changed.
I didn't think it was possible for this place to become any more like hell.
I was wrong.

One of the girls in my group stops to talk to her friend,
and I take the opportunity to watch a gorgeous Russian girl twirl aimlessly in her glass cage.
I watch two men give into the beckoning of the promoters and head into the club beneath the twirling girl.
I watch a family walk by, the children unaware of what their parents are blindly leading them into.
I watch a child selling flowers, desperate to go home but unable to do so until all her flowers are gone.
I watch as two women perform acrobatics on a pole.
Lyrics which came from my heart one year and nine months ago float through my head once again.

It's easy to see darkness while on Bangla.
But hidden behind all of the darkness is so much beauty.

The smile of the club promoter.
The genuine laugh of a bar girl.
The excitement and the hugs from friends we meet.

There is something about being on Bangla that wakes my heart.
And for the first time in months, I feel as though I am right where I was always meant to be.

I am still in need of $2,500 to be fully funded for the year. Please prayerfully consider donating by clicking the donate button on the right. 

One Year, Nine Months.

*Names changed for the protection of the women.

March 22, 2012

Product development today. Kelly and I cleaned off all the books in the library. 

We had dinner, worship and then headed to Patong. 

Karaline, Kelly and I went into New Tiger and I met a girl named *Bam.

Cutest girl ever! We walked around until 11:30ish, then headed home. 

I. love. this. ministry. 

March 27, 2012

Tonight in the bars, I watched as someone bought *Bam for the night. 

Words cannot describe the heartbreak of seeing your friend being sold. 

I got really overwhelmed as we walked the rest of Bangla and I couldn't look at anything without crying.

But then I met a woman named *Pearl. 

I am absolutely in love with this woman.

She showed me pictures of her son on her phone with both pride and sadness. 

She told me she doesn't want to be in the bars anymore. 

Jesus, give me the strength to help her get out of this hell. 

March 28, 2012

I went with Alyssa on a date today with *Annie and *Nan.

We walked to the beach and then Annie bought us all ice cream. 

Annie didn't have shoes, so I let her wear mine, and then I bought her some on the way home. 

There were tears in her eyes as I handed them to her. 

She couldn't believe I was buying her shoes.

I'm thankful I got to bless her like that. 

April 2, 2012

Woke up and had team time. Kristen and I were supposed to have a  date with *Bam, 

but she never showed =(.

I led worship and then headed out.

Bangla was hard tonight. I was literally sitting on the street crying. 

Can't believe we only have a week left here. 

I am not ready to leave. 

April 9, 2012

Travel day. We spent the morning just hanging out, packing and saying our goodbyes. 

The Passport girls made us breakfast and wrote us really sweet notes. 

We cleaned, prayed, and headed to the bus. 

I'm going to miss this place more than I know how to say. 

January 9, 2014

Exactly one year and nine months to the day. 

I woke up this morning and breathed in the sweet humid air. 

My heart is bursting with joy. 

I am home.

Finally. 

Ready, Set...

The countdown is on. 

T-minus 8 hours and 21 minutes until take off. 

And I still am surrounded by a ton of my belongings that need to find themselves into a suitcase. 

At church last night, 

there was a corporate word given.

They said that they felt as though this past season was one of sowing, 

and that this next season is one of reaping. 

That statement couldn't be more true. 

My heart is fluttery every time I think about getting on a plane TOMORROW. 

How on earth did I get myself here?

For so long it seemed like Thailand was only a dream,

something that would always be just out of my reach. 

And yet here I am. 

On my way out the door. 

I can hardly believe it. 

Please keep me in your prayers. 

Travel mercies, favour with customs, no lost luggage (in Jesus' name!). 

Also pray for my heart. 

This is a huge step in my life and I am excited and nervous and sad and ecstatic all at once. 

Pray for my family, new and old. 

And most of all, pray for my new home.

Jesus said that the harvest is plenty. 

And I am ready to do the work. 

I'm ready to reap all that I have sown. 

I am still in need of $2,500 to be fully funded for the year. Please prayerfully consider donating to help women out of the sex trade.